Thursday 18 October 2018

A HITPIECE On Florian Himsl

Some of you might know that I've been livestreaming with Florian Himsl, the co-creator of The Binding of Isaac with Edmund McMillen. His outwards persona is charming, even soothing- but let me tell you, there lies a dark side beneath the veil.

Florian Himsl. Born to the name Florida Hershey's. The true story of how The Binding of Isaac was developed is, to put it simply, harrowing.

Florian, drunk on his own lust for power, approached Edmund one stormy night.

"Edmund," he began, slurring his speech due to the aforementioned drunkness (on his own lust for power). "Listen to me, we're gonna make a fucking game, and you're gonna like it."

Edmund, taken aback, responded "Who even are you this is the first time you've ever spoken to me?"

"I'm Florian", he responded. "I'm Florian Himsl and we are gonna make a goddamn game."

What followed from these events is a tragic tale of workplace abuse. Florian would constantly chastize, berrate and even physically hit Edmund- an astonishing feat given that they live hundreds of thousands of miles away from each other.

But here's the real dirt on Florian. Florian didn't even program The Binding of Isaac! Florian Himsl is the owner of a small workforce of goblins. Proper goblins too, green skin, pointy ears and each about 3 feet tall.

Florian Himsl naturally delegated all the programming in The Binding of Isaac to the goblins. He sat back in his chair with a whip, while each goblin toiled away in the code mines. Florian had no idea how to do any programming, at least at the time. Why should he even have to learn? He's got a goblin workforce! Unfortunately, this lapse in knowledge led him to adopt some peculiar tendencies. For instance, he refused to allow the goblins to use variable names more than three characters long, among other atrocities.

Now, you might be asking "What does he feed the goblins?" and here's the truth.  The truth is that he's feeding them baby food. Being small and child-like in many ways, goblins can't really eat anything else that isn't baby food. They don't have the digestive tract for it, and after over a decade of being force-fed nothing but baby food- nobody would.

Now, here's the thing. Being a master of goblins does lead to some.. complications. Transformative complications. Have you ever wondered why Florian eats baby food sometimes on his livestreams? Have you ever wondered why he can only name variables with a max of three characters? Have you ever wondered why on the livestreams, he's the one doing the programming?

He's become a monster truly of his own making. All the things he's forced upon his goblin slaves have come back to haunt and manifest themselves in his own being. Soon Florian Himsl as we know him will be gone, and he will be replaced with a three foot tall babbling goblin creature.

Don't support this man's work. Do not subscribe to his YouTube channel called GameSquid (linked in the description), it's a front for something much more sinister. Do not get excited for his game Squid Invaders.

Heed my advice, viewers. It's only a matter of time before the goblin hoarde comes for me too. Thanks for watching, and stay tuned for more videos exposing this absolute goblin of a game developer. Goodbye!

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